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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Getting that monster out.

Slightly pensive today.  Watch out. 

I wish at times I could hold in my feelings.  I know I seem happy and smiling most of the time - and I am.  But as I've gotten older, I realized that I won't hold things in anymore.  If there is an injustice, I need to say something about it or somehow get my viewpoint in.  


That's not always a good thing.  I will probably do it anyway.  


People don't always want to hear everyone's viewpoint.  I'm no different.  If someone tries to tell me that I'm doing something wrong, I probably won't listen.  I really should sometimes.  Maybe I'm too abrasive?  Maybe I'm too one-sided?  I like to think that criticism, in its finest form, is a way to better oneself.  I believe that firmly.  It still doesn't mean I won't bristle when I hear it!  We all do.  


Working in an office, I've learned to take constructive criticism way better than I used to.  When I realize the person isn't doing it to attack me, then it makes it all better.  It's been a hard learning process.  Life is a hard learning process.  One with which I struggle every day.  


Right now, it's my day off.  For the love of Pete, I'm so excited to be here - alone in my house - for the first time in over a month!  Days home alone, with no sound to distract me, are like a mini vacation to me.  My husband and kids are the world to me, but some days I just don't want to hear anyone. 


That day is today.  


I think I've been snippy lately.  I can feel it.  Everyone is getting on my last nerve and I'm not sure why.  Do I need to shut off the internet connection, which is so readily at my fingertips with this new laptop?  Maybe I do.  I think it's become a distraction, this easily bridged push of a button to the world wide web.  


Yet, so many ideas have been brewing - some that are coming to fruition - that I need to work on on the computer.  It's a doorway to what I can accomplish.  I guess I need strict working hours and defined browsing hours.  I need discipline in this area.  


I've gained much discipline in the getting healthy area.  I'm on a roll since October 29th and I'm not getting off.  I am pushing and striving to get through.  As my wise sister once said, "It's not a race."  I'm hanging on to that when that brownie is staring me in the face.  Thing is, I can have it if I want, it's just a matter of rearranging the other things I eat.  I'm loving this new way of life. 


I love succeeding.  


But if I'm succeeding at one thing and failing at another that what am I doing wrong? Some days I want to get off the world and let it spin without me.  If my husband and kids feel I'm never here for them then what can I change?  What can I do differently?  I found this blog posted on one of the blogs I follow: 


http://simplemom.net/beware-of-these-marriage-killers/


It's a great read and worthy of your time.  If I'm spending my time unwisely, I need to change it.  But I also don't want people being greedy and wanting me there at all times just because.  I need to DO and FEEL and ACCOMPLISH the things I have in a mental list.  Things that have been biting at my ankles.  For so long I've helped others accomplish their dreams.  Mine are on the backburner - indefinitely bubbling away until the pan turns dry.


I feel like the dry pan right now.


I read this series on time management and discipline:http://moneysavingmom.com/time-management-101-series  Good Stuff.   


I'm happy.  I love where I am.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE writing my column and blog.  I know I'm in the right area - it's where I'm supposed to be.  What then, is this crazy thing in the back of my neck making it stiffen and grow tense?  


I want what's mine, but I'm afraid to succeed.  I'm afraid to start.  I'm satisfied where I am and maybe that's the problem.  Maybe I just stay rooted in safety because it's easier.  This post has turned into a monster that I never meant to create.  


Alone time can do that to you.  It can bring out what's been stirring all along.  Maybe it's time to get this monster out so I can finally succeed.  

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