Tuesday, May 29, 2007

auto pilot

Well, I'm back.....I've been off in the real world having garage sales, working, and whatnot. Blogging hasn't been my number one priority. Today is my first day being alone in a while. I guess that's why I haven't posted.....I normally do that when I'm alone!

Right now I feel as if things are on auto-pilot.....hence the title of this post. Things have been so up in the air with finances, the future, etc. , and right now we're just cruising along at one altitude. George's work has picked up so things are going a little smoother there. I've been in such turmoil though....what does my life hold? Where are we supposed to be in this world? I haven't even been able to concentrate enough to read a book, and for me, that means my world is upside down! So, it's kind of nice to have things on an even (although wobbly) keel. I got an anniversary card from Mary Hummel the other day. The cover said this, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord..."not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. This is a very well known verse, but it just hit me in the chest. God does have a plan for my family and I. Even though we feel like we're floundering in a sea of unrest, his plans for us are good...not for evil...so that we have a future and a hope. I realized that what the heck am I worrying for? Worrying isn't going to take me out of the situation....and besides, God already knows how it ends! So there.....I've chosen not to worry.

George and I had a super anniversary last weekend. It was our 17th! Hard to believe that I met him 19 years ago...... Harder yet to believe that through all the trials and heartache we've shared, that I love him even more than I did them. I may not be able to stand him at times...(only at times).....but I couldn't be without him. We shipped the kids off to mom and dad's on Friday evening. Then we grilled sirloin steaks, shrimp, and portabello mushrooms...added some rice on the side, and topped it off with some crusty bread and a toast of pink champagne! Then we settled in to watch some movies....Apocalypto was awesome...I highly recommend it.

On Saturday we headed up the back way to Cleveland. We took in some garage sales along the way. We headed up at the West Side Market and browsed the aisles there awhile. Then we had some coffee at a coffee bar across the street. We took in the sights and sounds while sitting outside. Love the city. After that we drove around Cleveland...the flats...downtown....then headed south. We ended up at the Fairlawn exit where we watched "Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End".....excellent movie..even though we know we betrayed the kids by watching it!!! After that we ate at a small mexican restaurante called Baja Fresh. It was so delish. Then we headed down to Shelly's for Mikkel's graduation party. We didn't get there until about 8:30. All in all it was a super two days. Nothing like getting away and being just two again. It does something for your love.......makes you remember why you picked this person in the first place.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


"Who, being loved, is poor?" oscar wilde

Monday, May 7, 2007

Right now...this is what I need. I need God's hands to pluck me from this earth...dust me off...and give me his version of what he wants me to do. I thought that I'd been listening for it...his will for us. Somehow my ears have become deaf and I need a sharp slap to the head to unplug them. My mind is spinning and I can't focus. I guess that's because I haven't been focusing on Him. I've only been focusing on what is wrong with our lives. I've been too busy worrying where the money will come from next to really sit down and listen for His voice. I'm sorry, Lord. Since last fall especially, nothing has gone right financially. We struggle day to day just to get food on the table. Job opportunities come, and then they go. Then we sit on the couch and just stare at each other or into space wondering what is happening with our lives. I think we're being pushed.....pushed out of our little space in the world that has become too comfortable. God has made our lives extra UN-comfortable in the last two years to think that it's just a phase. Am I listening? I know that I am now. Even so...I've found it hard to pray and really ask for an answer. I've felt angry...angry that I can't just write checks to pay my bills. Angry that God has brought us to this point...to the place where we feel we might lose everything. In my heart, though, I've felt this prodding. This prodding that what we are doing here isn't what's meant to be. Tears come to my eyes right now even as I write this. It's so silly to people that only have to worry about what they're going to make for supper tonight, or to what game their kids are playing in today. Those things aren't trivial. I wish I only had that to worry about. For some reason though, we've been chosen to go through this, and I only hope that once we realize what it is we need to be doing...that God will allow things to fall into place. I've been telling my kids lately that when we do what God wants us to do....that a certain peace comes over us. You feel that everything will be okay. It's because we are in HIS PLAN. When we are OUT of his plan, things seem bleak. I pray this day that my life will be used for God's will. Take me out of this existence of worrying about jobs and money, and into your wonderful plan for me and my family.......I know it's out there Lord...we just need to be ready for that door to open for us. Where it will lead us, only God knows that. We just have to be ready to go...........