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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

viajando en mi mente

My mind is traveling trails that lead back to Mexico. Sometimes our lives here are messy, convoluted and twisted into the fabric of Holmes County. This is my home, where I grew up, where all my family is. Then I met a most fabulous man that changed the make-up of my life. When George appeared and also became twisted into my heart, where I belong in this world became cloudy. It's almost an ethereal place to exist, this in-between place. It's a place of shifting patterns that run in my mind. It's a place I can visit just by looking on my husband's face and following crinkly lines that fall away from his eyes. My heart has been searching high and low for reasons to remain here. Yes, my family is here. My sisters....my parents... but who is my family? My family is George, Belle, Selena, and Hunter. They are my heart--walking around outside my body. We scratch and claw here to survive. Work comes and work fails. We feel like we're living inside a box sometimes--a box that has no door to open. Sometimes not knowing where your next check will come from is enough to leave you panting for air.... and not getting the breaths you need to live. It's also a place that has entwined our hearts so closely that NOT having lived this life, I feel we wouldn't be as close. We work together for a common cause. But that trail that always leads to Mexico, the one that's always open in the back of my mind, is moving forward and imbueing my mind with light. I know we're being prodded. God's been poking me in the back for years now. Sometimes I feel we're not totally successful here because we're not supposed to be---maybe to be successful, we need to listen to the proddings. there's a great big world for us to succeed in. Whether it's here, or in a crumbling shack by the sea in Mexico, I need to find out where that might be. We can sit here and slowly dis-assemble piece by piece, or follow our heart's longing...... I'm open, Lord.