You of normally hurried minutes that diminish rapidly through a hazy time continuum. Today I met you with problems consisting of regular things, yet clouded mind. Money and things and issues and future happenings stirred in my brain this sunny day. Though the sun met me with warmth and color and flowers that were blooming on my porch.
Ordinary days filled with troubles that aren't really troubles.
Ways to meet obligations and fulfill them drift through me,
pressing, gently pushing.
This morning, yet again, I've given it over to the one who knows me, and embraces me still though I've wandered far. Always wandering and wanting something more and different than the light of a regular Monday morning.
Today I work, gather groceries, and scribble poetry in a simple notebook in the dappled light of my porch. My haven and the place where my thoughts come together. A place where the book coming through my heart to my fingers finds purchase, and spills out onto an electronically-organized machine I hold in my lap. I will write these words one inch at a time until they are spent.
I greet you, new week, with messy thoughts and high hopes that will accomplish half of what I normally wish for a refreshed seven days. I will move through each minute and try to make it count. Each word and thought, held captive.
And I begin the day.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Saturday, July 4, 2015
I know you, America.
I see you in the tiny back roads where wildflowers
bloom and droop with the dust that covers them. Where
I wander and watch verdant woods filled with green
inch past my window.
I feel you in the breezes that fall across my face,
as I am free to travel your craggy terrain and find
new places you have hidden from me. This, in your
excitement for me to explore you.
You are on my front porch where I am free to seek refuge
and form prose that falls from my fingertips like
blood, cut from jagged edges. Where I find the hard
words more defiantly than anywhere else.
I know you, America.
You are not 'Merica.
You are more than patriotic vitriol spoken with
careless abandon, without connecting brain or tongue.
Words wrapped in a flag and handed to you at birth
to blindly worship and tread softly around.
You are more than a flag, fibers and pigments colored
to make red-hued stripes and white stars, signifying a
birthright of undying allegiance. The foggy wars we've
fought as we're spoon-fed the pablum of liberty.
Freedom isn't free, because it's a state of mind.
Liberty comes in the freedom to make decisions of
who I am and choose to be. It comes to me in the words
I say and the people I love freely, without fear
of someone saying I can't.
I see you, America.
In the faces of my children as they ford the waters
of this life that aren't easy to cross. As they
scrape and scrounge and do and be. I see America
in their faces, fiercely shining in their will to
accomplish much as resistance presses them.
I see you in my husband, who made your harsh
and beautifully unfolding land his own, leaving behind a home
where familiar creases would have lined his face. Where
smoke from comfortable fires burn and
the smells and senses could wake
him up to what he left, though a home made now,
where he chose to make it.
In myself, though older in body, yet young in spirit.
My chance to also do and be and see new things
and walk different paths. I don't need a flag in my
face to tell me I can accomplish much.
Neither the cold grip of metal
in my hand to say I'm American.
Not 'Merica. Where to be an American means
gripping tight to words long ago spoken,
and wrapping ourselves in a cloak
of rigid freedoms we hold tightly 'til death.
Your wind whispers to me in the night, and I
wrap that caress around me as I find you in a
darkened sky lit with dying stars.
I want to meld you with 'Merica and find an
uncomfortable place, where we can relish in
your goodness together. Instead of divided,
from the precipice I now stand on.
Friday, June 19, 2015
I've learned two things over the past several years:
1) It's hard for people to say the words "racism exists."
2) We use excuses. A lot.
3) The more open my mind becomes, the less I share.
I used to write about every situation that came down. My audience wasn't as broad and I felt semi-protected (!) in putting my opinions out there for the world to read. I say semi-protected knowing full well the privilege I am granted in being a white woman. There, I said it. I know that though I may incite heated arguments, disagreements, or a all-around nodding of heads in agreement - that in the end I will still remain a white woman who tends to side with the minority (at least in our area) of things "better left unsaid." And I will still be able to give my opinion without being bashed mercilessly, or at the very least called a "bleeding heart liberal" which is a wretched thing to call anyone. Wasn't Jesus an open, bloody, bleeding heart for those around him?
Now, I hesitate - and mull over - every single word I put out there.
I tremble when I say the hard things.
But there is no time to tremble.
Our world is close at hand, as close as the glance of an eye at words spoken on a post...through a picture...on a tweet...or through a snap. All is seen and I am quite sure that all is filed away in the memory banks of most to be brought out when the right post or thread spools itself out.
We are separated into neat, tidy piles of humanity starting with Republicans to the right, Democrats to the left, and the rest of us clinging by fragile tendrils to what little purchase remains in between. Christians, you're over there with those beliefs, and those of you who believe things should be a bit more equal, you sit over there with those people. We file people by what they say, do, and especially say on social media.
I'm not sure I want to be so easily defined.
We are a world of sound bites and chunks of flesh ripped away bit by bit. We know immediately that if a black person protests, defends, or is accused that they are guilty until innocent. They are thugs, by nature, to be handled and pressed down.
When Mike Brown was killed all I heard for days was, "But he stole cigars!" As if that meant he needed to die.
"Trayvon was a thug who smoked pot!" As if that meant he deserved to die.
"But that black girl was talking back to the officer!" As if that meant she deserved to be thrown to the ground and SAT ON by the cop. She is 14 years old.
If one is of Latin descent, then they are most likely "illegal" or "working under the table" and had "better go back to where they belong." They are treated as guilty before innocent, and this I know well and will say no more.
If a white person is caught doing something heinous - even committing mass murder - we carefully sift through what we know - in very grave tones - what might be, and deem them to be possibly "unstable" or "mentally off" in some capacity. There are never words being spoken like, "That white guy was a thug. A terrorist." We hear how he was quiet and reserved and got good grades in school. We don't hear how he may have smoked pot, drank a bit, or was a menace to society. Because white kids do all those things. Every day.
Our categories are swiftly brought out, like a menu to be read off and memorized, so that we can say what is happening and put it in its place. I have been appalled and heartsick at what has happened in Charleston. Nine beautiful souls shot down in cold, cold blood by another soul that although also beloved by God, chose specifically to claim these lives because of their skin color.
You may argue that fact if you want. Though you might want to know the shooter said this himself.
What makes me the most sad is the denial I see on social media...on TV...and elsewhere. It crawls right up inside my heart and drops it quick like a punch to the stomach.
From a comment thread on FB:
"I also say that yes Dylann Roof committed a racially motivated mass murder and I condemn his act...but my goodness he looks like such a young boy. It's killing me that this child (and yes I know he's 21 but still that is SO YOUNG) has so much hate in his heart. Hate doesn't kill hate. Only love conquers hate. Condemn the act. Love the sinner. I'm praying for the victims but also for this young man. Tragic all around!!" Find that thread here.
Why do we excuse? Why do we explain away? Why does darker skin mean older and more dangerous? Why does white skin mean young and seemingly innocent? Worthy of pulling a gun first? And before you can say "but" please listen...
Admitting that racism exists can only serve to set you free from excuses.
Can you say the words with me?
Dylann Roof committed a racially-motivated crime. He chose the church, he walked in and sat with them for an hour, then he pulled out a gun, told them he was there to kill black people, pulled the trigger and reloaded, and nine people were murdered.
Say it again
Now say it slower
See the horror for what it is
Acknowledge that racism exists
Roll it around on your tongue
Let it slide slowly off until it feels comfortable
Stop saying the word "but"
Then stop making excuses
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Oaxaca is inching ever closer and I can see it on the horizon, peeking its little head out at me and waving. I am excited, scared, and ready for this adventure. I've gotten to know a bit more about Arquetopia, the foundation that has chosen me for this residency, and the more I see and read the more I know that this was meant to be.
Folks, I have raised right around 56% of what I need to get there. Fundraising is not my favorite thing to do, and really, this is the first time doing it for myself. I have helped the kids raise money to go on short-term mission trips, as well as the Mennonite conventions, and numerous other things. It's a bit humbling for it to be me taking the plunge. Am I worthy? Is this the right thing? As with any endeavor, you must always make sure it's the right thing to do - and this trip has been confirmed many times over.
I am writing, writing, writing as I try to complete the book before I go down to do research, editing, as well as tweaking. At times my mind drifts to the possibility that facts will change once I get there. That if I find some of his long lost relatives that a new world will open up and change the direction of the story. Story arcs are just that, they move, drift, and shape-shift into their own beast. I am humbly the scribbler of those thoughts and they own me with their urgency.
I find myself at odds with prayer and what it can bring for us. I'm not a "God, please give me this and this and this" type of pray-er. I know that in His good time we receive what's meant to be, so I'm trusting in that without thinking much further. There are things I want versus need to make the experience that much greater. These are material things. I believe, though, that He provides these items to get us to that 'thing' we're meant to do. So I trust, with abandon in that notion. I believe God is a supernatural God. So often we blindly forge ahead on our own, and I'm as guilty as the next person of doing that. Have you ever considered, though, that the urge to act on something is God planting that in you? Without carefully sifting through the action? I believe my supernatural God has His ear bent to us at all times, slowly meandering through our physical realm. We need only to reach through the blinder that's on our eyes to feel His presence and what he wants us to achieve. It's easy to stay in our own little boxes that this world makes for us. He is trying to help us out of them, and I'm slowly climbing out as my book takes shape and grows. I also climb out a little more each time I trust the He will provide for what I need.
If we let him, He will be more than just a Sunday-morning God to us. He encompasses the world, the warm soil, and the flowers that bloom with their tiny faces towards the sun. We can find Him anywhere, and I believe He will meet me in Oaxaca. In fact, He is already there readying for my stay.
I believe in this story and my husband who is my crazy partner in crime and life. This story is his, yet it's mine as well. To tell softly and fiercely on my own tongue, through a mouth and body that holds his heart safely. I believe the words will flow and spread on the written page like they are meant to...just like I believe that I will be provided with the funds to get there.
Deadlines of the first of June are approaching, and I must send the money ahead to reserve my space. If you are considering donating to my writer's residency and want to give but haven't as of yet -- now is the time. As I mentioned, it is a humbling thing to receive. Thank you, and when I'm sitting in the lush hills of Oaxaca typing away I will be humbled even more.
Visit my GoFundMe page to give as well as read my story, and if you don't wish to donate online you can send it to my physical address: 5796 State Route 39 Millersburg, OH 44654 Or you can also see me in person and we can share a cup of coffee!
|View from where I'll be staying in the Oaxacan countryside.|
Thursday, March 19, 2015
|At our fave diner Orion|
|George watching the landscape fly by|
|Fun things are around every corner!|
|Hunter and Danielle <3 td="">3>|
|George and Hunter...my favorite pic.|
|Outside Search & Destroy which was fascinating|
|Girl with the pearl earring/Vermeer|
|Us outside The Met!|
|It's like the rooftops hold another story|
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
I must say that I put most of the awful words I hear into a box with a lock on it. What are these awful words, you ask? They are strings of misguided, misplaced, and misinformed letters that string themselves together ever so incoherently, with religious thread to hold it tighter.
I started paying attention to them back when Bush and Gore battled it out with all the ridiculous posturings of the hanging chad drama. I listened to talk radio and was drawn into Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck's show. I tuned in everyday as my kids went to school or were playing in the other room. I became frenzied in watching the news shows, hanging on every word, and letting those words soak into my blood. They became part of me and my rhetoric and anyone who disagreed with me was the worst kind of uninformed. **silently tucks away the fact that I nearly voted for Clinton in 92** I mean, it was Rock the Vote!
When the 2008 election came around and Barack Obama became the Democratic candidate I was still in this frame of mind. My mind was a vast diorama of soundbites, from TV and radio, plus social media that would echo hollowly through my head.
He's not really a citizen.
He's from Kenya.
We demand his birth certificate.
He's a Muslim.
He's a socialist. A marxist. A communist.
He's a n****r.
Most of all, he's a n****r.
When he won and the celebrations happened in front of our eyes,on national TV, all I could hear was, "Those people celebrating like he's their God. Like he's going to give everything to them. They need to get over their past and move on." For a people not allowed to vote, even in the early 60's, wouldn't this be cause for celebration? Isn't this a win for them having a voice in the highest held office in the land? The bitterness stuck deep and hard in the people and Obama became a person worthy of the worst kind of hate.
Four years gone. And then came the next election.
If there ever was a time I wanted to close my FB page, this was it. Although I never put much on my wall about political vibes, I carefully watched people and what they posted. The most vile, putrid, and outright lies that were posted day after ever-living day. Posts that simply took my breath away with the evil the words contained. People that live 'Godly' lives.
I saw a different side to so-called 'religion' and what it meant in the political arena. Over time, I had little thoughts and words poking me in the back saying, "Missy, love is what is needed. Hate and taking sides only serves to divide us." I read books, I read the Book, I read and pored over articles that talked about why the religious right has changed over the years. I had an awakening, if you will, that called me to be accountable to what was in my heart and the political arena. Blindly being led by what we've "always done" is not the way and only served to make my heart deaf and dumb.
I may have nearly had a breakdown from all that was said during that election. My husband would tell me to stop reading the posts, stop letting it in. But when people you know let you down by calling our President a n****r, a Muslim, and someone 'other' than who should hold that office, my eyes couldn't be torn away and the veil was torn. I would never again see people through the same eyes.
The Kenyan lib-tard.
This is how people I knew described Obama. And hated him. The pure and rancid taste that was left in my mouth became a bitter taste on my tongue - one that wouldn't soon be washed away. I was left with my head in my hands day after day after day and election day couldn't come soon enough. But not soon enough to affirm my belief that he was never to be accepted because he was 'other', he was different, he was black and not white. I believe the vitriol would never have been quite as ugly and festering if he was just another white democrat.
Last night I watched the 2015 State of the Union address. I saw a great speech filled with things every President says on this day. They talk about accomplishments, things left to do, unemployment, healthcare, minimum wage, and personal stories that bring the points home. I was moved by it. I live-tweeted it, I took it in - just like I did for every other president that's been in office while I've been alive. As Americans we ALL need to watch the SOTU address, not reject it because you hate the man in office. The office of the President is one to be respected, even though we live in a country where we have freedom of speech. I like spirited debate and joking about his suit or how gray his hair is.
Instead, what I saw on social media was hate-filled rancor that made my skin fill with goosebumps:
"I won't watch that BS."
"He's a liar and a twister of words."
"He only talks about himself."
**Insert whatever Bible verse talks about someone evil**
When Obama leaves office, and all the nonsensical remarks people make about him end, what will be left? What candidate/President will we have that will be everything you need? Or will you be left with no words in your mouth because the racial epithets won't fit? What will you say then?
Did you hate Bill Clinton this much, a democrat, who served two terms?
How about Jimmy Carter? Or maybe JFK? How about FDR, a democrat, who served for twelve years as president during WW2. All democrats. Does the political affiliation even matter?
I live my life, whoever is in the Oval office, and I live it well. I love, use kind words, and push back a bit when needed. Hate doesn't fill my heart over one person and what he was able to accomplish with all the negativity and hatred pointed toward him. I see a man who broke barriers and stayed poised while shit was thrown at him from all sides. ALL SIDES including a Christianity whom I thought could never hate that much. May God forgive us from our hate. I for one, choose to love. We can disagree on issues, we don't have to side with his policies, but the hate must stop.
the hate must stop