A new credo

I'm ready for life to begin again. Not that it ever stopped. When Dad died last Saturday morning, it seemed as if we were wrapped in a little warm cocoon. Our grief and the realization that he's whole again held us, as a family, together. Until someone you love dies, you never quite realize what goes on behind the scenes. We all took the time to be together and soak it up. Then reality hits, and there's a funeral to plan. Emotions run on high gear and you just go and go until you're ready to collapse. My daughter was able to fly home from college in Florida to be with us. In the days before, as Dad was nearing the end, I just wanted her to walk in the door so I could give her a hug. There's something about wanting everyone near. We can let our hair down, and just know, that no matter what happens during these times, that love is never far.

I will miss my dad. Even though we never spent tons of time together, I knew he was always there. His seat in the front row at the Perry Reese Center will seem extra vacant this year. He didn't go to all the games last year, but the seat was always there waiting for him like an old friend. Even at his weakest, he was at family events leading prayer or a song. Ready as ever with a sarcastic remark to make us laugh. Most of the grandkids remember him poking them with his cane --- my sisters and I remember the large knuckles rapping us on the head!

We never shared alot of words, but we shared the same interests. As a young child, basketball was a way of life. Tuesdays, Fridays, and some Saturdays meant games. We scoured every end of the neighboring counties, traveling near and far. That tiny gym at Jewett-Scio, the drive to Wayne County's Northwestern, the curvy drive to East Knox, and I could still probably drive to Lakeland (which is no more!) if I had to. He taught me to be a faithful not a fair-weather fan. Cleveland fans know this, as did Hiland's fans in those lean years. We love our Indians, and my love of the Browns is legendary. I have to admit I don't watch them as much as I did in the past, and that's not because they are plain awful. Life, kids, and a husband who hates football did that to me! I get as many games in as I can. We were never told we couldn't play something. Volleyball, basketball, softball, track. Whatever we did, mom and dad supported us. Even when I quit basketball after my freshman year. Dad told me this, "I would much rather see you happy. I support you." My dad never had alot of words, but that stuck with me. I'm sure he was disappointed. He used to come out to pick me up from practice, and watch us. Abe Mast was my coach, and they would chat on the sidelines. He helped me perfect my foul shot.

Dad was never afraid of life. He never cared what people thought of him or what he did. He said what he wanted, embarrassing or not. He could talk to anyone and their brother and make them feel like they were his best friend. Today I'm choosing to live my life out loud. To not be afraid or stand in a corner. I will not hide what I love, or make excuses for the way I live. I will put out front what I want to people to see from me --- whether they like it or not. Most of all, I will learn to laugh at myself -- life is too short to be too serious. This is me. Thank you Dad, for being an example. It took me 41 years and your passing to see this. Sing me an extra song, Dad. Your strength has made me strong!

A poem

A passage that goes to my heart at this time ....

I'm standing on the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She's an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky comes down to mingle with each other. And then I hear someone at my side saying, "There, she's gone."

Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There, she's gone, " there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.


I love you, Dad.

Happy Halloween

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
~Emily Dickinson


I love Halloween. Not "All Hallows Eve" or the evil aspects of it, just the good creepy fun that makes shivers run down your spine. About five years ago, I sent in a little story to a website that collects eerie experiences in Ohio. Go here to read about it. It seems silly now to read about it, but at the time we were more than a little freaked out!

As we speak, Hunter has tried on about ten different costume choices for Trick or Trunk tonight. He is definitely my "special effects" artist in the family. I think he should have a show on Nickelodeon. :) I also think it would be cool to go to the Ghost Walk in Millersburg. It's put on by the Millersburg Historical Society and has live actors acting out the "experiences" that they tell you about. Not sure I will go, but thinking about it.

My friend Leslie Limon, who lives in Mexico, shared a spooky little experience that was very interesting to read. Go here to read her story! It will give you a little shiver.

I had a very interesting week working at Coblentz Chocolates. I've been hired there as seasonal help, working up until Christmas. It's the first time in 20 years I've worked a 40 hour work week. Crazy. It's also very hard watching all the chocolates and caramels go by and not just grabbing them to eat! Kind of interesting, Women Who Eat Chocolate... and now I'm working in a Chocolate Factory! How ironic.

Happy Halloween!

My week

Here's an overview of my week:

-- Traveled the girls soccer tournament trail twice to watch my baby play in the sectionals down below Zanesville. Won the first game on Monday, and lost on Wednesday. Way to go, Selena! Good season, and always sad to see it end. On the other hand, no more $6 tickets to pay for. :) And honestly, I don't think I would want to go down there again -- they don't make popcorn for soccer games! They thought I was out of my mind when I ordered it. Well, guess what, I thought they were out of their minds! haha

--Set up for my niece Heather's garage sale in Berlin. She has never had a garage sale in her life, therefore there was much to be done! We had a two-dayer, and plan on having a sort of "perpetual garage sale" if you will. As she pulls out more stuff, we will have more sales. She doesn't park in the garage so it all works out.

--Tonight we worked outside. It's alot of fun getting your kids out there to mow and weedeat on any given day after school starts. They somehow think that school exempts you from work -- NOT. After some arm-twisting, motors were running and weeds were being whacked. This is the time of year I long for it to freeze for good. The grass needs to die -- now! I cleaned out the patio area, raked some leaves and tidied up a bit. You will not, however, see me cutting flower stalks down. I've boycotted that this year, and am awaiting the day they become odd-looking snow sculptures with the first snow.

--I'm excited that this was the week my washer decided to die! Just kidding. The washer has been a faithful friend to me for 15 years -- and it was used when we bought it. It's been making odd groaning noises for the last year, then on to a grinding screech. How do you kill an old friend? Just keep washing with it until it dies and throws water all over your pre-fabricated floor. That usually does the trick. The dryer control has died too. Exciting week!

--Selena is leaving tomorrow for the Circleville Pumpkin Show/Band trip. My little flutist will march in two parades tomorrow, stay overnight, then off to OSU and a shopping trip to Easton. I guess this is not something I'm doing, but anything my kids do is in my realm. She's excited.

--Since I've been gone everyday this week, tomorrow I plan to read. I'm sure, though, that this will not come to pass. Always something comes up and takes precedence over my leisurely reading day. I am allowed to have one once in awhile! The book I'm reading is called "Water for Elephants". I'm loving it...the whole one page per day I can ever get read. Sigh.

--I have two pounds of hamburger out to thaw -- any interesting hamburger recipes I haven't tried 20 times? Really, I'm open....

--Along with reading day tomorrow, it's also Hunter/Missy evening. I think Hunter is burned out with Java Jo's every Friday and has opted lately to stay in with me, Mom. We make Toll House Marble Squares and watch our favorite show, Ghost Adventures. I love Fridays.

--Coffee time with George has been lacking this week, what with his job putting in new countertops and sinks for Stacey Beck. Busy, busy... need to catch up with him.

I'm now officially tired and heading for my soft bed. You're all probably sleeping anyway from reading about my mundane week. It might be boring, but it was mine!

Airstream dreamings....

This picture, encapsulated, is what I want. If I could take an old Airstream and fix it up into a Taco Truck, I would. Now, granted, I also want to have a "Used Book Store/Junk Store"... add into that mix my love of writing. I guess it pretty much leaves my dreams all mixed up --- a melange of all my wants and desires tangled up into one hot mess. This is what life is made of. What we want to do with our lives, and what we end up actually accomplishing. But who says we can't do what we want? Who says we have to sit in our little shells and stay content with what we have? Now I'm not saying I'm not content --- I'm so happy with my family and my little cottage. Nothing could make me happier. I feel, though, that God made us for more. Not long ago I posted a quote on Facebook that went something like this: "Your natural abilities are God's suggestions for your life's work." quote by Clyde Narramore. So what happens when you're good at writing, good at junking, a pro at finding books on the cheap, and have a husband that's the best mexican chef around? I'm guessing in our case you start a painting business. :) In all seriousness, life happens. You have kids, you live day to day and your dreams get shuffled under the rug along with all the rest of the dust bunnies of life. On occasion we lift up that rug, sweep out the dust, contemplate it, then lay the rug back down to gather dirt all over again. I think there comes a point in life though, when that rug is worn out. It's time to pick it up and throw it away. And what do you know? All those dreams come to the surface and make your heart throb with the passion you thought you had laid to rest. This period in my life is bringing lots of things to the surface. My kids are older, and my husband and I don't feel like wasting alot of time of things we don't love. Navigating this tricky world sometimes leaves us weary and face down in the dirt. God knows what we need --- but he also knows what we want. Being the good Father that He is, he wants to give us some of those things. Anyone being a parent knows how we love to give gifts to our children. How do we know what they want, though, if they don't ask? I know that everything we ask for isn't going to be given to us, but God longs to bless us! He knows I want an Airstream for a Taco Truck and he knows I want a space in which to full with blissful junk and lovely used books. Tack on in there a space to write to my hearts' content --- and the funds to do it with. Oh, I know I won't get it all --- but at least I've realized that God wants me to ask for it. I'm ready to do what it takes, and accept what it is in this life that He wants me to do.

"Your vision is too small because of your pain. You're focused on your lack. Hang it all! Live as if you have it all! Because you do! You have My undying love, My forgiveness, My power. You have ME!" ~God~

nighttime

I never thought I was a late writer. You know, into the wee hours of the night. Yet here I am, full of ideas and thoughts. When I was a teenager I was a total night owl. Prowling around the room until 4 am. Listening to music or reading. After you get married there is someone else that shares your time and I was always considerate of that. But just maybe, I need to spend some time roaming around the house at night, or just writing. Writing until my head unloads some of this stuff that's been building up for twenty years.

I just can't believe it's fall already. The summer went so quickly what with Belle's graduation, then leaving for college. Selena starting high school, and soccer for them all. It's just crazy. Life is fragile and full of mystery. I've been delving into some heavy stuff lately. I mean, there is always the day to day, but I've realized that when my stress level gets to the top it's time to turn it all over to God. Why can't I remember this simple solution before my stress spills over? I sometimes feel like he's a little sick of all my problems --- but that's just the human in me doubting it all.

GOD IS RIGHT NEXT TO ME. HE NEVER LEAVES ME.

Even when I feel tortured not knowing what will happen next, I know he's directing me with a not-so-gentle nudge. Now whether I choose to listen or feel that nudge is a different thing altogether. I have always heard God's voice, but not always listened. He's outright pushed me to do things in the past and I just kept on walking. Right now I'm laying face-down in his hands and he's a-carrying me because I just can't walk. Thank you God for picking me up one more time when all I really deserve is a butt whooping!

... the silence is a pressure
in the vacuum of my head.
Is He in there? picking apart
my brain until I hear him?
...or is he waiting in stillness
until the roar of my head
ceases. Wake up and be
silent. ...so you can hear...

From my heart

Complacency compelled me to sit. Enthralled in life around me, yet inclusive to myself. My thoughts were a one-track cassette, endlessly playing a tune of my own liking. The song would catch me up in it's throes of singularity. Worries were few. Why. If but I could have seen earlier what my insolent insouciance would mean.

It all came crashing down in a haze of pain. We had known pain. But here it was again but ten-fold. Waking me up with a blinding dose of recklessness. And it just kept heaping on. My own self and what I thought important were replaced with what I had missed the whole time. My love had been careless without regard. Expectations had been placed and my eyes were blinded to what I should have seen and done.

There are things that can crush you and leave you gasping for air. Air. That heady wind that sustains fragile life within us. My air was gone. And so I clawed. I clawed without God. The center of myself said I could do it alone. We could do it alone and survive. All the while that quiet presence waited. No responsibilities heaped on me by the brilliant color of His lucidity. He just smiled and waited.

Until the day came. That day when the fight of doing things outside his nest becomes too great. The nest that rests in his hand. The place where there is nothing but being loved. The love of Him rests and resides inside us, leaving only Him to work for us. For the love of us.

Did I think I could not be loved. Was the pain of doing it all myself a test so I could see what my other half felt. My better half. The one that always sees the best in this dirty shell I live in. The one who, along with Him, has waited patiently for me to crawl out of my own ignorance. Our ignorance.

Veils are gone. Ripped to shreds by the One who lives solely for us. Why do we fight with futility. Tears fall like hot stinging steam down my cheeks and stain my shirt. I've been waging a battle I didn't have to fight. He has done the fighting for me. To love me is all He wants.

I rest wearily in his hand. I have given up and sweet peace fills the valleys and dark holes of my heart. No matter what will happen in this life. No matter the pain or tragedy that fills us. It's all meant to push us where he wants us. Peace is mine -- because I am His.

by... Missy