Monday, September 21, 2009

From my heart

Complacency compelled me to sit. Enthralled in life around me, yet inclusive to myself. My thoughts were a one-track cassette, endlessly playing a tune of my own liking. The song would catch me up in it's throes of singularity. Worries were few. Why. If but I could have seen earlier what my insolent insouciance would mean.

It all came crashing down in a haze of pain. We had known pain. But here it was again but ten-fold. Waking me up with a blinding dose of recklessness. And it just kept heaping on. My own self and what I thought important were replaced with what I had missed the whole time. My love had been careless without regard. Expectations had been placed and my eyes were blinded to what I should have seen and done.

There are things that can crush you and leave you gasping for air. Air. That heady wind that sustains fragile life within us. My air was gone. And so I clawed. I clawed without God. The center of myself said I could do it alone. We could do it alone and survive. All the while that quiet presence waited. No responsibilities heaped on me by the brilliant color of His lucidity. He just smiled and waited.

Until the day came. That day when the fight of doing things outside his nest becomes too great. The nest that rests in his hand. The place where there is nothing but being loved. The love of Him rests and resides inside us, leaving only Him to work for us. For the love of us.

Did I think I could not be loved. Was the pain of doing it all myself a test so I could see what my other half felt. My better half. The one that always sees the best in this dirty shell I live in. The one who, along with Him, has waited patiently for me to crawl out of my own ignorance. Our ignorance.

Veils are gone. Ripped to shreds by the One who lives solely for us. Why do we fight with futility. Tears fall like hot stinging steam down my cheeks and stain my shirt. I've been waging a battle I didn't have to fight. He has done the fighting for me. To love me is all He wants.

I rest wearily in his hand. I have given up and sweet peace fills the valleys and dark holes of my heart. No matter what will happen in this life. No matter the pain or tragedy that fills us. It's all meant to push us where he wants us. Peace is mine -- because I am His.

by... Missy


Delihajo said...

Wow, Missy...beautiful!

Tina said...

You have touched my heart, I'm praying for yours.

Becki said...

Do we know each other? Apparently our hearts are acquainted. My friend Tina told me about your blog and encouraged me to check it out. Wow.

Thanks for sharing!

Lille Diane said...

you write beautifully.

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