Blood into ink.
Those words evoke a vivid picture in my mind of scratching onto paper the words flowing from a bleeding heart. This is what I am attempting to do as I turn my husband's life into words.
It is hard.
The encouragement I've received after posting the initial six stories has been overwhelming and heart-wrenching. I am mightily heartened and lifted up by your words. So many of us fight to do what we're meant to do. Daily we battle demons in our push to be who we are. The devil is not above using the dirtiest tricks to keep us off base and he's worked very hard on me. His tricks and traps are ones I've fallen into many times over the years.
He's used my own vices and failings on me over and over to keep me from the keyboard. I've felt the presence of his lurking demons when I even attempted to write one word. Their hot breath shivering down my back. I don't say this lightly....but I do say it because it's true. The devil wants us to fail. He delights in bickering, procrastination, and the setting upon the shelf of aspirations not realized. Giving up means he wins and I hear him cackling every time he tries to make us stop.
Last week, before I posted the blogs, I had the most severe moment or attack, if you will, I've ever experienced in attempting this novel. Mind you, I've been "trying" to write this book for years. As I hovered over the blank word document my hands were unable to type a single word. Tears sprung from the depths and outright sobbing took over. I shook from within and with every part of my soul. I could feel the darkness sitting with me...right next to me.
I cried out and yelled, "Why Lord? Why can't I write the words I have in my heart?"
In my haze of tears I picked up my bible, a new bible I received as a gift this Christmas, and I opened it. I couldn't even see because of the tears so I held it close to my eyes and this is what I my eyes fell upon:
|Isaiah 32: 3-4|
My entire life I've been a receiver of words and verses. God has communicated with me this way, always giving me a verse that to me, is a promise. The demons fled and I knew that my stammering tongue would become fluent and clear, and those who read my words would listen and their eyes open. It also promised me that my fearful heart would understand.
I opened up my word document and started typing.
I'm only one thousand words in with 99,000 to go. To be categorized as a novel I need that many words. One of my fears has always been how I will have enough words to fill this story. I know now that I needn't fear. The words will come and be poured out of my fingertips.
Thank you to those who said I am making a difference by writing this book, those of you said I am being obedient, and those who simply cried with me. It will be an ongoing battle and why the project and his story is so persecuted I haven't quite figured out yet. I've left a job in the past year, and readied myself for this writing. There must be something big in the future yet for him that the evil doesn't want to happen. He is an amazing man and has amazing things to share.
And I write.