Processing much. My aim is to separate our trip to Mexico into small, digestive pieces. Heaviness, pressed down, is what we felt. These are the tip top thoughts I'm feeling now. Will bring more to you as I process each moment. This blog will be published next week in The Bargain Hunter column, but I'm bringing it to you a bit early.
I hope to someday not sit in a quandary, or a tizzy, or a moment of abject disgust with myself and the momentum I fail to have at times. My life is wasted in small moments, tiny and thin, that bring bigger and bigger amounts of time passing by me like so much of a life gone. I have come back from the edge, older yet not so much wiser. This plane of life is so transparent it takes my breath away so that I cannot think to even fill my lungs with air. I have found what I desire in life – my love, my kids, and my home. Yet still, is it enough to make us whole? Enough when my entire soul is yearning for more and more of what I can’t say. Is it enough when we sit at our tables and gaze out the window hoping to see what lights our souls on fire? My last two weeks were spent ethereally drifting through a solitary plane of existence, life and death on display heavily, until I could breathe no more.
It’s fragile, this existence we have here on earth. Our days are filled with things that will mean nothing in the eternity, yet we labor on because that’s what we’re here to do. We are here to make meaning out of things that are meaningless. We are to dance, to love, to sing, and to cry. We embrace life and death as they come because what else is there to do but accept? We bury people we love and we go home and love the ones that are left just a bit harder. Left behind are those who after unthinkable circumstances become semi-lost souls that have been directed lovingly, yet without recourse. Floundering, gasping for air without the one who has given them direction their whole lives.
We must learn to swim alone. We must learn to grasp what is put before us independently.
To love is to have, to feel, to breathe the air more richly. When we decide that one person is all we need to live then we become dependent on them to be our all. There exists an umbilical cord stretching from person to person. We must cut this. We must embrace love yet know we can be, do, and feel without it. The veil between this life and the next is tissue paper translucent at best, yet we don’t realize it. We go on living day by day never acknowledging how close the other side is. We must see it and peer through to understand that this life won’t last forever. We must be ready and adept, with a knowing that what we accomplish here is wonderful. It is wonderful but we must know that it doesn’t last. We need to achieve yet know, accomplish things with vigor yet with humble attitudes. Maybe what we’re searching for when looking out the window for more is the knowledge that we are a fragile and strong race ever-searching for an absolute meaning.
Maybe the meaning is found in accepting what we are and doing it well. Until the time comes for us to leave.