Sunday, January 13, 2013

The tick tock of midnight invades

The tick tock of midnight has invaded my room as I listen to the whir of the dishwasher clean the crumbs off yet another load of dishes.  I'm up and wide awake contemplating the stir of my life and the ashes of dreams that may yet come true.  I have yet another child leaving tomorrow for a college visit ... off to the city to track down her dream.  

Wasn't it just yesterday that MY dream was big on the horizon?

So very soon I will have but one set of wings left in the home and his set is almost ready to fly as well. Wasn't it last week that my children were underfoot and I just wanted to sit in the middle of the floor and scream - leave me alone!  Just give me one hour of alone time and I'll be able to love you better.  Those nights creeping into their bedrooms and listening for their breath and watching those sleeping bodies curled up with their faces all innocence.  All frustration stripped away from my brain because that's what a mom does.  She loves her kids whether they are driving her nuts or fast asleep in her arms.  It's a tug-of-war with the heart that never quite ends.  

I implore you, moms, take the time now.  One more dollar and one more bill paid doesn't give you more days with your kids.  If you want to stay home with your kids then the way will be paved.  We stretched every single penny thinner than a blade of grass for me to stay home with all three of our kids. I don't remember one thing that I could have owned or bought that would've made me happier than just being there. 

The madness of stay-at-homedom can sink in....if you let it.  You must succumb, though, to the crushed cereal in the carpet and the countertops that remain sticky.  To the wet kisses and small arms that flail through the entire house until they find you.  You are their comfort.  You are their home.  

I don't regret one day of my time spent.  How did you do it, they ask me, staying at home everyday with your kids? How did you afford it?  For me, it was what I was meant to do.  There were breakfasts to be made, chocolate milk to stir up, and forts to be built.  The fancy purses and expensive furniture never crossed my mind.  I could live without going out to eat every weekend when there were trips to Tuscora Park with packed sandwiches by the little pond while we fed the birds.  My children's laughter helped me forget that I might have missed weekends away with my husband, or shopping sprees at the mall.  We may not have had money but we had each other.

I work outside the home now but my soul still longs for the peace of being at home. I have one child graduating college, one graduating high school, and one ready to move into his senior year.  They all have plans and thoughts for their life while mom sits and encourages their plans.  Don't stay around here...head out into the world.  Find a place in it where you can learn and get away from the rhythms of this place you grew up in.  Meet new friends, connect with other cultures, and don't let going away from me stop you.  I stayed at home with you so you could grow up with the freedom and courage to go.  I helped you grow your wings so you can fly...not stay grounded in one place.

My soul does long for that simple place - a place I can see through the hazy veil of years.  The one where I could solve the world's problems with a song in a rocking chair, and the milky smell of a chubby neck nestled into mine.  But I see their futures....and now I can see mine.  It's taking a shape, just before and in front of me.  Coming into view are the dreams I laid aside to do a very important task.  I see that time alone I so longed for.  Time to connect and dream with my husband as we embark on time together.  

It's not an empty nest...it's the start of a whole new nest.  One filled with the "us" we had when we first met but even better.  It's the "us" that has learned the nuances of life and are ready to tackle it head on without worries.  

Love your children, moms, and take the time with your kids for their years slip by quickly.  Teach them to walk early, read quickly, and most of all to not depend on you.  This, by far, is the greatest gift you can give them. 


Lena Schlabach said...

Beautifully written Missy:)